fog

We had an understanding between my brothers and sisters that it would impossible to leave our grandma's house quickly after saying goodbye.

If you had made a remark like "Well, I better go..." it caused her to get up and start cooking, or rewarming food she had already cooked for you that day and encouraging you to eat more.  Despite our hugs and "No, grandma, I'm going to burst open!" She would not stop...not wanting to see you go away hungry.

Just in case you didn't grow up with a Mexican (or ethnic) influence in your family, here's the translation:  "HUNGRY" means you are upright, chewing gum, or you are not hunched over from gas pains that you have acquired from eating a lot of food too fast.

To convince Grandma you had had enough, you must mention a previous engagement you were jetting off to, or confession before it closes, or that your mother doesn't know where you are (before cell phones) she'd finally wrap it all up and send it with you for later.

The way she (as her mothers, sister and Aunties before her) showed her children "special love" usually unfolded in feeding us tons of food.  To this day, when I eat Mexican food it means "I am loved", or "Someone who loves me has made this".  The guys at Adalbertos, Filibertos, LaMission and Super Taco (all back in the States) love to see my face when I look at the food.  They like it when I realize they are passing on a tradition of feeding comida de amor (food of love)  to me.

My grandma is now in heaven  I miss her with heart-ripping, fat-tear-filled thoughts that surprise me during the most unexpected times.  It really isn't how much I loved her that I miss...it is receiving the love she had for me, and it was a lot.

I have to have faith that I will see her again.  She is one of the people who personified love and faith for me.   She trusted God with everthing...and it all seemed to work out.  She also would pray as if God's ear were inside of the atmospher, waiting to hear what she said.

I have grown up into who I am, and realize that most people see the "wall between the heavens and the earth"  is impenetrable.  The bushmen in South Africa who occupied this Gauteng before us believed the cave rock-face upon which they painted, was itself believed to be a veil between this world and the spirit world.  The Europeans, Egyptians and Maya basically turned to physical creations of God, and in wonder, began to seek the doorway to heaven.

Because they wouldn't DARE try to contact God, they began to try to contact their ancestors: all with the hope that they would guide them in this life.  When Samuel was aroused by an insecure king (Saul), he asked "Why are you disturbing me??".  Samuel said it well: heaven is much better than earth -- don't bring me back just to guide you in your problems!!

Faith (the belief for things unseen and in our Father who we can't yet see face to face) is like fog.

Don't get me wrong...my life is beautiful and most of the time I dance, but there are those times when I know I'm in for a trip through a foggy, unstable road where I can't see what's ahead.   We all have them.  the roads that are unusually cloudy...with each soggy, muddy step you can see almost ahead....but not enough to be sure you're going the right way.This is when I become little girl, needing to be led and having great assurance that I'm going the right way.

I'll be fine if I know what is coming.

I don't know what else to do but stand still and focus on God.  He is my COMFORT...my ROCK.  My Bible turns into healing medicine.  I eat up Jesus' words so that I feel the love...the lasting promises!   "Don't be worried! Have faith in God and have faith in me. There are many rooms in my Father's house. I wouldn't tell you this, unless it was true. I am going there to prepare a place for each of you. After I have done this, I will come back and take you with me. Then we will be together. You know the way to where I am going." Thomas said, "Lord, we don't even know where you are going! How can we know the way?" "I am the way, the truth, and the life!" Jesus answered. "Without me, no one can go to the Father (John 14:1-6).

The way out of a fog of "What's ahead?? Who will walk with me??  Where am I going?  Why did this happen?" is found in these words.   Jesus, the one who loves me better than my grandma is the rock on which I stand.  He is my righteousness, my peace, healer.

And then I have a taco.  HEY!  Don't hate....